Okay. So right now, I want to talk (or write) about a topic that is kind of touchy for me. It's not something I liked to talk about a whole lot because, to be honest, I was scared that people would see me as different. Different might not be the right word...I like being different. So let me rephrase that and say that I was scared that people would see me as a prude.
Yep, prude.

I'm 20 years old, and I've never been kissed.

I was never really into the dating scene. I never actually started to show an interest in anyone until at least my junior year in high school. Even then, I kept my interests under wraps because the dating scene scared me. Not the kind of scared where I wanted to hide under my bed, but scared/nervous...like the feeling I get before I have to make a speech or something. Ick. So, in high school, it felt like everyone around me was "with" someone and "hooking up" with someone. And when someone would ask me "who are you intersted in?" or "have you hooked up with anyone?" I said no, but felt embarrassed that they would see me as prude. So one night, while playing a game or truth or dare, someone asked me who my first kiss was. Unknown to them, I never had my first kiss...so I lied. I told everyone that I hooked up with some boy a few years ago and they believed it. Since I'm being honest, I'll be honest and say it felt good when people believed it and thought I had experience in that area. But, since I'm being honest, I'll be honest and say I regretted that dumb lie ever since.
*sigh* Lets move on to my senior year in high school and I still felt the pressure of being a prude. I kept telling myself, "Okay Kinzi, this is your year. You're gonna get your first kiss. You won't be a prude anymore!" So when this boy started to show an interest in me, I caved. Even though I knew in my gut that God was telling me that it wasn't right to date then, I started dating. It was a big deal when I starting holding his hand, sitting with him on the couch, going on silly little dates with him...but I wasn't kissing him, although I could tell he wanted to. He would ask for a kiss in subtle ways, but I ignored them. So when we "broke up" not even three months later, I was back to square one.
It was after that that people started with the prude jokes. I'm not going to lie, they hurt and I may have even cried after a few of them. The jokes and the pressure of being a prude broke me...I became extremely self-conscious.
Something that is really sad to me is that in today's society, being a virgin has become so incredibly taboo. You rarely hear about people waiting until they're married...some people even see losing their virginity as a goal for the year or whatever. So if people are so ridiculed for being a virgin, think about someone my ago who has yet to be kissed.
It wasn't even until a few months ago that I started to pride myself on being a prude. I started to seek satisfaction and love from where it matters the most...in the arms of God. So, I'm proud of myself for "keeping my pants zipped" and I'm proud that hooking up isn't my thing. And as of right now, boyfriends and dating aren't on my agenda. But God has a plan for me. And I believe that because I have remained pure, God will reward me with the perfect man. The man that I have always dreamed of marrying.

God is writing my love story ♥